How to Treat a Lady

1. Recognise that being of the female sex is not a prequalification for deference. The female, in this regard, is simply a male, save for a few peculiar physical features. She is therefore not entitled to special consideration. Most women are already well to do. Everything is handed to a woman on a silver platter. Her father spoils her; her suitors lavish her with gifts. If she is educated, she does not have to work hard to be successful—she can always leverage the power of her body without any qualms. Also, it is not as if the menstrual cycle or child-bearing and child-rearing are painful experiences that are tasking on the female body. You and I would know. We would not bawl like babies if we were to go through such experiences for a day. So treat her as you would your male friends.

2. You are right, dear boy child, to claim that being a gentleman is being, in your words, “a pussy.” Chivalry is long dead: it lies dusty and rotten in the tombs of medieval English knights; Cervantes laughed it off and laid it to rest in Don Quixote. And what is left of it is found in those silly, overly-formal, ridiculous characters in Austenian literature such as Mr. Darcy or Mr. Knightley. Gentleness and graciousness towards all women and manly sentiment are not for gallant men but for subservient ones. Chivalry conflicts with masculinity. It is usually weak and uxorious men that hold doors open for ladies or offer them their seats in the bus. It is not as if Bond treats the ladies with deference. So why would you? Such things are dangerous and will only lead to the idealization of women and , ultimately, tyranny, as Rousseau argued, because women will use their sexual appeal to rule over men.

3. Always assume that anything in a dress or a skirt is “open for business,” as it were. The lady sitting next to you in the bus or in the waiting lounge is almost always interested in you. Chat her up. It is irrelevant whether or not she is listening to something or reading something or simply staring out the window, lost in her private thoughts. See the way she casually brushes against you when she reaches for something in her purse? She is hot for you, as the British like to say. Always get her number. Insist if she declines: she is playing hard to get. Never take no for an answer. Text and call incessantly; this is not in any way intrusive or creepy or embarrassing. How dare she block you? She must be a slay-queen, a high-class whore only interested in the highest bidder. Isn’t every woman, though? That tight dress and the heavy make-up should have told you. Use words such as “bitch ” or “whore” to show your respect and reverence towards women. Your use of such flattering words has nothing to do with bitterness on your side and everything to do with your immense success with women and your attractiveness in their eyes.

4. Always expect her to be the best version of herself. She should at all times be good-looking and well-dressed and nice-smelling and generally pleasant to look at.

5. But be easy on yourself. Once you marry or win her over, stop courting her completely. You do not have to stay in shape. You do not have to invest in well-tailored suit or good shoes or a descent fragrance or a good wardrobe. These are things for girly, metrosexual men. Real men have no time for such trivial things. They worry over serious things. Besides she’s already loco over your shorts and sandals and “natural” smell and bad breath. You are irresistible as you are.

6. Never forget that most females are dumb, or, at least, are supposed to be. Your wise ancestors knew this. Remember, the dumber the better, the more submissive. Do not involve her in any of your projects or ask for her input in business matters. You are wise to avoid smart, ambitious women—these are almost always unsexy, bitter, man-hating, feminist snobs. Ensure your brilliant little sister is married off as early as possible. Do not feel any guilt over this. After all, she’s “only a female” as you rightly say and she needs to settle while she’s still fetching; it would be crazy to suppose that you are worried she might take your limelight since you are already achieving so much anyway. Use scripture to support your actions since God is against the education and prosperity of the female sex. Besides, it stands to reason that female prosperity amounts to male decline; two candles have never burned simultaneously.

7. The term “bad boy” is literal. Being a “bad boy,” has never had anything to do with being confident in your skin or having a laissez-faire approach to love and life or being a go-getter or standing for your principles or risk-taking. You are right to suppose that the “bad boy” is synonymous with “playboy” and therefore sleeps with every female he can without having any standards, without any qualms about using false promises. You are also right to think that “bad boy” is always antithetical to “good man,” that he is the loudest, the rowdiest, the most aggressive (towards women). In other words, he commands immense respect. Naturally, ladies, not young immature girls, are attracted to him. This, my man, is how women, like fortune, are won over: by force, as Machiavelli taught you.

8. Romance. Dios mio, what is that even? Do not gaze deeply into her soul and tell her you love the fuck out of her. Do not grab her and kiss her passionately as if a more breath-taking creature has yet to walk the earth: no woman desires this, trust me on this. She does not need you to hold her hand in public or talk with her late into the night or listen to her or offer gestures of appreciation. Whatever you do, do not remind her how beautiful she is: it will go to head. If you do such things, she will have your balls for supper, if you will have any left that is. She will always use you and manipulate you. Such little things are overrated; the devil is never in the details, despite what they say. Being a man is already tough as it is, what with having a job, getting home, sitting down to a nice home-cooked meal, removing your clothes, having a quickie and snoring away afterwards.

9. When in a position of power, leverage it over women. It is not your business to protect them. Do not do anything for free; always ask for sexual favors in return. She should already know that everything is quid pro quo.

10. Write an article like this because you know what it is like to be a woman.

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